Fear of Success

So its me Im back again,

Today I visited my friend in the hospital. She just recovered from having a very serious surgery and was feeling down so you know the Entertainer had to Entertain lol. I shouldve been there sooner, but you know my financial situation isnt getting any better so regretfully I had to wait until my Sponsors sponsored me. Im glad I seen her though, I think I gave her a little encouragement for her to get back up again. That felt good :) But have you ever lectured someone else and like deep down inside your head you felt like you was trying to convince yourself? Yeah ....that happened to me this evening when I was chatting with her. I was telling her about not giving up and this surgery and her temporary stay in this city was probably a blessing in disguise and even though she feels ill tonight..she will get back up and do what she was ment to do on this Earth and WHEN she makes it ..she will tell people her story and she will inspire those going thru what she is going thru ...I mean isnt that what life is all about ? Inspire those in the next generation to do what you do or possibly just take what you did to the next level??
But while I was talking to her...I was really talking to myself...I mean you know the life of an Entertainer is never easy and like my last entry said...sometimes giving up just really feels like the only thing you can do...but it is the strong ones who do survive...If you look into the beginner stages of some of these Celebrities, you will hear stories of Homelessness, Hopelessness, Struggle, MANY doors being shut in the face, many NOS and YOU CANT...before that ONE MOMENT happens where its a YES and then BOOM your whole life changes. Is it safe for each and everyone of us to believe that if can happen to us? Is it safe to believe that one moment can really change our life ? If so, why are we so scared to believe it? The option of failure sometimes is easier to just rest on because we have been loosing so much in our lives...some with our illness ..some with auditions and talent breaks...some with love...some with just life situations period...so why expect anything different to happen...whats SOO special about you that Success can happen? We work hard to make livings and sometimes manual labor is NOT the only things we work hard with ..sometimes its battling a illness...sometimes it trying not to have a black heart after being hurt and emotionally drained by the people you love so much...sometimes its battling the urge to loose hope in your talent and battle the feelings or doubts or fears...and like working under a tire or a hot stove or a 9-5 the stress and frustrations are equal. So why is it so hard for some of us to believe that the Fruits of our labor are waiting?? Think about it .....When we wake up in the morning...we perform our rituals to do what we have to do ...BUT....if you was really tired of dealing with or going thru what your going thru..why in the same morning do you get up?? Why dont you just stay in bed? Ill tell you why ....because you DO believe that IT CAN happen ...Somewhere deep down inside of you you believe one day you wouldnt have to work so hard ...or one day you may just get that DEAL ...the RIGHT person may see your talent ...Your Illness may go into remission and you can be FREE from it...Hell you may just hit the lottery lol
Sometimes I wish (even myself) that we can honestly believe in full that Success is just as prominent as Death. Walking by faith is NO easy task, but I mean...if you dont ..what do you honestly have to live for???


This is A.E. signing off

This Time Wont You Save Me....

Another month another day ....another year

...You would think by now i would be used to this right....well....nah im not. It is another month of the new year and im still just trying to keep my faith together and in order. You kno walking by faith isnt as easy as I thought it would be. In the month of January, however, I did accomplish alot though..Ive maganged to audition for the Agency that I really dreamed of being a part of...Bloc South, and I gave my ALL into it...to my surprise two weeks later they send me to a movie auditon..and I cried thats how excited I was I just KNEW I made it...went to it...made the first cut...got cut second round..(ugh) but just the fact of me being there was a blessing ....that Sunday...I auditioned for a All Male Choreography show in May..and I GOT It..like I felt like it was really my time world...like ok Gods really giving it to me right now cause He knows im ready for it ...and yeah ..I got called back from the agency to the callbacks ...and ....I didnt make it......huh? ...So you send me on a audition to represent YOU i MAKE at least the 1st cut of 80 sumthin dudes ...and im still not good enough to sign exclusively to you??...OUCH....what a setback...I think that hurt alot ...and of course you know whenever it rains.....it pours.

Now a month later ...still no job ...NO agency..and the show isnt until May so not ever rehearsal for that ...for some reason part of me feels like a failure...like when I told my dad about the movie audition..he started crying...thats how happy he was for me...THIS MAN NEVER CRIES....like for one second he started believing in me and this Entertainer thing ...and then when I told him I didnt make it..it was the LAST time I heard from him...Right now I have more bills than anything....Rent is coming up ...and even though I know my mother has my back I can tell im back on her List of unfavorable people...Its like im back to where i started when i left those crazy ass Wells Fargo people...loosing hope...I try to just smile and take it a day at a time and do what I can do ..but it truly gets mentally harder for me everyday ....I feel stupid sometimes...But I swear thats when God whispers to me and tells me it will be ok ...things will get better...or is it really my imagination thats messing with me...even my love life is still n shambles....Always running into the same thing..never finding consistency ...its like wtf man ...am i cursed?? It jus hurts me

So whenever it gets around this time...I just sit and think about it all.....and at night...I cry...about it all.......I mean i have my friends n all....and I love them to death ..but they have thier own successful lives going on and i dont wanna burden them with all of these worries...so right now i have to take sleeping pills to help me fall asleep ...and even those dont work...Its like im loosing it ....Im scared for my sanity ...this business is gonna make me crazy ....I feel like sometimes this shit is ruining my life ...aside from the body pains i feel at night....and i dont wanna resent my God given talent ..but looks where it has me now...BROKE...AND DEPRESSED....Im trying to hold on to my hope ..but ..its like holding on right now to an Elephant with a shoestring ...So im singing to God...This time please just save me.....I could feel myself giving up...

This is A.E. signing off :( Pray for me yall