Fear of Success

So its me Im back again,

Today I visited my friend in the hospital. She just recovered from having a very serious surgery and was feeling down so you know the Entertainer had to Entertain lol. I shouldve been there sooner, but you know my financial situation isnt getting any better so regretfully I had to wait until my Sponsors sponsored me. Im glad I seen her though, I think I gave her a little encouragement for her to get back up again. That felt good :) But have you ever lectured someone else and like deep down inside your head you felt like you was trying to convince yourself? Yeah ....that happened to me this evening when I was chatting with her. I was telling her about not giving up and this surgery and her temporary stay in this city was probably a blessing in disguise and even though she feels ill tonight..she will get back up and do what she was ment to do on this Earth and WHEN she makes it ..she will tell people her story and she will inspire those going thru what she is going thru ...I mean isnt that what life is all about ? Inspire those in the next generation to do what you do or possibly just take what you did to the next level??
But while I was talking to her...I was really talking to myself...I mean you know the life of an Entertainer is never easy and like my last entry said...sometimes giving up just really feels like the only thing you can do...but it is the strong ones who do survive...If you look into the beginner stages of some of these Celebrities, you will hear stories of Homelessness, Hopelessness, Struggle, MANY doors being shut in the face, many NOS and YOU CANT...before that ONE MOMENT happens where its a YES and then BOOM your whole life changes. Is it safe for each and everyone of us to believe that if can happen to us? Is it safe to believe that one moment can really change our life ? If so, why are we so scared to believe it? The option of failure sometimes is easier to just rest on because we have been loosing so much in our lives...some with our illness ..some with auditions and talent breaks...some with love...some with just life situations period...so why expect anything different to happen...whats SOO special about you that Success can happen? We work hard to make livings and sometimes manual labor is NOT the only things we work hard with ..sometimes its battling a illness...sometimes it trying not to have a black heart after being hurt and emotionally drained by the people you love so much...sometimes its battling the urge to loose hope in your talent and battle the feelings or doubts or fears...and like working under a tire or a hot stove or a 9-5 the stress and frustrations are equal. So why is it so hard for some of us to believe that the Fruits of our labor are waiting?? Think about it .....When we wake up in the morning...we perform our rituals to do what we have to do ...BUT....if you was really tired of dealing with or going thru what your going thru..why in the same morning do you get up?? Why dont you just stay in bed? Ill tell you why ....because you DO believe that IT CAN happen ...Somewhere deep down inside of you you believe one day you wouldnt have to work so hard ...or one day you may just get that DEAL ...the RIGHT person may see your talent ...Your Illness may go into remission and you can be FREE from it...Hell you may just hit the lottery lol
Sometimes I wish (even myself) that we can honestly believe in full that Success is just as prominent as Death. Walking by faith is NO easy task, but I mean...if you dont ..what do you honestly have to live for???


This is A.E. signing off

This Time Wont You Save Me....

Another month another day ....another year

...You would think by now i would be used to this right....well....nah im not. It is another month of the new year and im still just trying to keep my faith together and in order. You kno walking by faith isnt as easy as I thought it would be. In the month of January, however, I did accomplish alot though..Ive maganged to audition for the Agency that I really dreamed of being a part of...Bloc South, and I gave my ALL into it...to my surprise two weeks later they send me to a movie auditon..and I cried thats how excited I was I just KNEW I made it...went to it...made the first cut...got cut second round..(ugh) but just the fact of me being there was a blessing ....that Sunday...I auditioned for a All Male Choreography show in May..and I GOT It..like I felt like it was really my time world...like ok Gods really giving it to me right now cause He knows im ready for it ...and yeah ..I got called back from the agency to the callbacks ...and ....I didnt make it......huh? ...So you send me on a audition to represent YOU i MAKE at least the 1st cut of 80 sumthin dudes ...and im still not good enough to sign exclusively to you??...OUCH....what a setback...I think that hurt alot ...and of course you know whenever it rains.....it pours.

Now a month later ...still no job ...NO agency..and the show isnt until May so not ever rehearsal for that ...for some reason part of me feels like a failure...like when I told my dad about the movie audition..he started crying...thats how happy he was for me...THIS MAN NEVER CRIES....like for one second he started believing in me and this Entertainer thing ...and then when I told him I didnt make it..it was the LAST time I heard from him...Right now I have more bills than anything....Rent is coming up ...and even though I know my mother has my back I can tell im back on her List of unfavorable people...Its like im back to where i started when i left those crazy ass Wells Fargo people...loosing hope...I try to just smile and take it a day at a time and do what I can do ..but it truly gets mentally harder for me everyday ....I feel stupid sometimes...But I swear thats when God whispers to me and tells me it will be ok ...things will get better...or is it really my imagination thats messing with me...even my love life is still n shambles....Always running into the same thing..never finding consistency ...its like wtf man ...am i cursed?? It jus hurts me

So whenever it gets around this time...I just sit and think about it all.....and at night...I cry...about it all.......I mean i have my friends n all....and I love them to death ..but they have thier own successful lives going on and i dont wanna burden them with all of these worries...so right now i have to take sleeping pills to help me fall asleep ...and even those dont work...Its like im loosing it ....Im scared for my sanity ...this business is gonna make me crazy ....I feel like sometimes this shit is ruining my life ...aside from the body pains i feel at night....and i dont wanna resent my God given talent ..but looks where it has me now...BROKE...AND DEPRESSED....Im trying to hold on to my hope ..but ..its like holding on right now to an Elephant with a shoestring ...So im singing to God...This time please just save me.....I could feel myself giving up...

This is A.E. signing off :( Pray for me yall

Its been awhile

Hey World,

Its been awhile since I written in this electronic journal lol but so much has happened since my latest blog...Music videos...colaborations...dance...new job (finally)...Just been doing me...Lately though..Ive been a little ....off if you would say ...I dont know world it just feels like Im in the same spot that I was in two years ago, and though I have accomplished many a things this summer..I still feel like I havent accomplished anything at all ....this feeling is bothering me a lil bit because I know I should be HAPPY right now ..but...Im not ....Crazy huh?? As I look into my world ..I look at my friends....The best friends to have in the world...young ..black ..successful ...I look at my new job ..tho it's not the job I would LOVE to have the fact is im making MORE money so i can handle alot MORE things ...No more asking parents for money (welll lmao unless I really need it) ....I think I can finally manage to handle myself feel me?...But yet its something thats just bothering me ...My Entertaining life ...I feel like its passing me by .....im fighting more and more for my inspiration..Like I just seen the VMA's and something on the inside is bothering me because I feel like I should be up there...but i dont have a desire to dance anymore ...and I dont want the life of an artist...so its like....the things that once pleased me doesnt please me anymore lol...crazy right? Or maybe its because I alone...I feel alone...how is it that ...Im surrounded by friends and I feel alone??Its like lately every night ive been having this on my mind...and Ive been need comfort from God ALOT to get me to sleep..Ive been calling on the spirit alot....C things like this bother me ...I think thats why nowadays Ive been hitting that bottle a lil bit harder....I just dont feel like myself..and i honestly do NOT know where Im going with this thing called life ...I need a serious reality check ....I need my Mojo back ...

May 25..

And so....
I can tell u that Im extremely happy right now...why?? Because I booked a VIDEO!!!! a music video ...WOW ..I did it again..well wait...I had help tho....the Distinguished Gentlemen ...DSG...right..like...where did that come from?? It came from thinking on your toes! Myself and two friends of mines were at this audition that our agency got us (shout out AGS Agency), and when we checked out the scene it pretty much looked like dance crews were getting picked more than individual dancers...now...AS you already know..I have a crew already (shouts to PDP)..but no one couldnt make it but my Fellow Director...so we thought we were S>O>L...but it dawned to us..Didnt we just do choreography for a music video I shot on the 25 of last month?? Lol DUH..so we was like...hmmm...maybe we should do that...and then the "well what do we call ourselves?" question came up and ...I was thinking it was only three of us so....were Distinguished Gentlemen....and BOOM it happen..we went in there and surprisingly the Director went crazy when we performed...it surprised us..and then..yes...I cried...they wanted us back..it was ALOT of good people at the shoot 2!! There was Jungle Boogie there....Royal Flush... ATL Bomb Squad... the AGS stiletto crew appeared ...so I was feeling a little intimidate..but...they liked us...Im telling u world it has been such a journey for me...and as tired as I was ..I aint give up..I was almost there....I swear..thats why I cried ...Like...omg I think I wouldnt believe it until im actually there on set again...Like the 25...but only this time...WE ARE GETTING PAID...what who where?? Ok..maybe ima sneak a picture with one of the artist..hes kinda cute....lmao...but non the less...I will be professional about it....Ok im sleepy...tho im prolly going to cry...again...I made it...IM IN A FUCKING VIDEO....LA here I come!!! lol

Where I Am Right Now

Whats going on guys...

Well what can I say...Ive been busy! Lol last time I wrote in this blog it was almost a year ago, and so much has happened since then..but no bad news tho..It first started out with teaching at a dance studio ..and then one studio became two..and then THATS when the shows started happening ...thats when the "KAYO...can you choreograph for my artist" started happening, and NOW ..not only am I getting exposure for my dance team..Prophecy Dance Project...I have also had the privilege of choreographing a Gospel Hip Hop music video, choreograph for a local artist AND be a FEATURE dancer in a music video!! WOW right!! Im on the move...and though there was some discrepancies about the video..overall...I felt as if I was in heaven...It was a dream...It was like a mother having her first child ..She harbors a egg in her belly and as it grows ..she feels it...though its sometimes painful...sometimes overbearing...she just knows that her first child is going to be ..that feeling...and when it happens...WOW...well thats how I felt about when I did the video recently..It was amazing! It made me for one split second just drop everything that Im doing in life and just ...GO....but yet again...i have rent and bills to pay...So im getting closer...Hopefully that breakthru will come thru....Im putting in HARD work for this...so i know Its going to come back ...It jus has 2...Just wanted to let u guys know where I am right now...Ill hit u up in the am


This is A.E. signing off...Saying GOodnight

Love's FOOL

Im back guys with another thought that just cant stay in the brain...

Ok guys i have a question for all of you folk out there thats tuned in...Have you ever played a fool before?? Sure. We all have. At one point of life for our family, friends, jobs, and more importantly for the people we fall for or genuinely care for, we play a fool. You purposely miss all the signs in the world that tells you that is just not ment for you. You ignore everything negative about your situation, but deep down inside, the truth eats at you like the bleach that eats your favorite Red Tshit that you FORGOT to take out of the white clothes pile on laundry day. Why do we do this? Because we all want to think that we all dictate what goes on in our lives....we dont like to be told we are wrong...and deep down inside ...we just dont want to be lonely in the end? So its like a win loose situation right?? lol...well i realized today that I am a fool, but it isnt to any livig being in the world(or is it?). I play a fool for LOVE...?Well isnt it the same?" You would ask? No. It isnt. See when you play a fool for someone, eventually that person leaves and after all the heartbreak you encountered will die off...When you play a fool for LOVE...the SOMEBODY can become ANY and EVERYBODY because your in love with an EMOTION that a human can give u, not the actual person. So you date or deal with other peoples bullshit not for THEM but for the emotion that you feel only another human can give you....And being that LOVE (esp n the gay black world) is non existant..I realize that the only reason why I put up with some of this shit I do is not because I want the person...I want the emotion the person has deep inside...Kinda like a cereal box with a prize on the inside. You hate the cereal but buy it because you want the prize inside.....None the less....Your still being a FOOL...and tonight I realize I cant be that fool anymore. Yeah I have a heart to love....I have a big heart...But I can no longer be a slave to LOVE anymore..cause its making me hate all of the participants whos holding this prize in the box. ..So its tim to say Goodbye Farewell to that quest of FINDING it...Im not saying that prize in no longer in a box...im just saying I rather just enjoy eating pancakes instead...Just a food for thought....

This is A.E. telling LOVE to...Catch me if u can! Lol.....

A Plea for Prayer

August 24, 2009,

Today marks the official year of me moving from new York to Atlanta GA.Yay, I could definitely say that I am not the man that I was before I moved out here. Today I have gained some strength, I have gained some substance, and more importantly, I have learned how to be a man and live on my own. Or shall I say, know the responsibilities. More unfortunate for me though, I still haven’t a job to financially support my staying out here. With only 7 days left, I don’t know how Im feeling about it all. One moment, im hopeful, then the next moment, im crying, im sad. I don’t know what is going on inside of me, but I know this is depression at its best, I have the headaches to prove it and the sleep patterns are becoming more and more frequent. I really feel like im living two double lives, because to my friends and even my mother and that job that I hate, I am super happy Ralphie, the Ralphie that’s motivated and all those other things I used to be over a year ago, and when im all alone, my motivation is down at a record low. I don’t know. I had an interview that went well last week Wednesday, but still I have gotten no call backs, and this is a job that I really want. I interned successfully at a clinic for 6 months FREE because I knew I needed some experience and still nothing. With this countdown getting shorter and shorter world, I don’t know what Im goin to do. I cant afford to stay here and I cant even afford to go home. Im soo scared because stories like this you hear on TV or see in a movie, but you never think it can happen to you in real life, so when it does, you stuck. My friends back home told me that my first year would be my hardest because I am going to struggle, but this marks the end of my frist year, and MY O MY has a been one, what happens now, will atleast one door finally just open up for me? This is all the things that are going thru my head as I write this entry. Im telling lately it has been taking all of the strength I had to just be happy and not let this situation get the best of me, and I can honestly say that this all n all has brought me closer to God, because late at night, I swear I feel him hugging me and telling me that it will be ok. But is this just my imagination like the song goes. Whoever decides to read this, whoever has been in this situation before, just please close your eyes, and pray for me. I need all the prayers n the world. Pray that I get this job, pray that I can get my life back, pray that this Devil just leave me alone. Till then Im going to do what I always done, suck it tough, and just finish the day and hold on so tightly to my faith. I have nothing else to do at this moment.